humor - grace grits and gardening

One Direction

August 2, 2013 By Talya Tate Boerner

photo courtesy of Heinrich Klaffs, Flickr

In 1970-something when the Osmonds walked onto the stage to a sold out crowd of teenyboppers at the Mid-South Coliseum in Memphis, my sister and I were in the bathroom because Momma had to pee.

Story of our life.

I heard Donny’s introduction over the loudspeaker through the concrete wall behind the toilet stalls. The floor shook.

Hurry Momma!!!!!!!!!!!

Momma and Aunt Lavern endured the concert while my sister, cousin and I stood on our chairs and shrieked, singing the words to every song. On the drive home I plotted how I would marry Donny someday and return to Mississippi County only as a side trip during national concert tours.

Last week, my sister and I channeled Momma and Aunt Lavern at the sold out, estrogen-filled, One Direction concert at American Airlines Center in Dallas. My niece Taylor knew the words to every song while I sang along to the catchy refrains as I could, each song sounding like the one before.

The noise level was deafening.

The smile on Taylor’s face was worth the permanent hearing loss.

Taylor

Musical Pairing:

One Direction – What Makes You Beautiful

Dallas County Jury Duty – Part Four

June 11, 2013 By Talya Tate Boerner

before reading, catch up with my Dallas County Jury Duty saga here…
Dallas County Jury Duty Part One
Dallas County Jury Duty Part Two
Dallas County Jury Duty Part Three

Being fair and impartial is a difficult thing, even for the fair and impartial.

As I walked into the courtroom, the defendant was easily identifiable. He sat next to his attorney in the serious suit. White, about my age, he could have been a friend at our last neighborhood porch party.

My first thought…I wonder what he did?

My first thought should have been…I wonder what he is accused of doing?

I carry my history and experience with me. I reminded myself to set that aside and listen before judging. I reminded myself he was innocent until proven otherwise.

Before the trial began, jurors talked. Overly Eager juror had already made my head spin. When she took a bathroom break, Lucille Ball took her place. “Well I can’t believe he was indicted in 2009 and is just now getting his trial!

“I thought everyone was entitled to a speedy trial?”

“That’s not speedy.”

“That poor man…”

I found it difficult to take her seriously in the pink and black polka-dot cat glasses.

“I think the State is stalking him. They don’t really have anything on him. If they did, they would have gone to trial sooner.” She continued.

I looked for a hidden camera. Maybe this was not a trial at all. Maybe we were on a reality television show.

I hoped my dark roots weren’t showing.

I stared at the red button on the wall used to summon the bailiff. Should I push it? Should I summon the bailiff and confess Overly Eager knows the Judge and Lucy already feels sorry for the defendant?

stay tuned for Dallas County jury duty saga part five…

talya

Television

June 10, 2013 By Talya Tate Boerner

Yesterday I returned from a one week writer retreat. One week of retreating into my writing with like-minded people.

No television.

No traffic.

No laundry.

No cooking.

No responsibility except to write and even that was optional.

Yesterday I returned with fresh focus and stories to scrawl on paper before they disappear.

Yesterday I returned to the ATT Uverse man. He worked on our spotty cable connection. “In all my years, I’ve never seen this problem before,” he said. He looked all of twenty-five.

On a Sunday night he worked changing out remotes, checking lines, switching boxes, and adjusting cables while the Spurs handed the second playoff game to the Heat.

This morning as my first cup of coffee brewed, the morning weather forecast resonated into the kitchen. “Sunny with a high of 95 degrees.” The weatherman’s voice boomed.

The floor vibrated under my bare feet.

I never watched one minute of television at my writer retreat.

I never missed it.