Skinny Jeans Archives - grace grits and gardening

I went to Northpark Mall in search of the perfect pair of jeans. My hairdresser Denise, who by her very profession is way hipper than I, told me of a place where they can size you up the moment you walk into the store. You will go home with the perfect pair of jeans, she said.

I should have never stepped foot inside.

My little voice, the one that’s always spot-on-right, warned me the moment I looked inside. The glare from jewel-encrusted jeans and size zero tank tops and t-shirts hurt my eyes. Row and rows and rows of bling-ed up clothing were crammed so tightly in the tiny shop, I could barely walk between the aisles. The pounding music, heavy on the base, nearly shook the racks of gaudy jewelry.

Clothing.Sensory.Overload.

I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad shopping day.

I wanted to move to Australia.

“What’s your jean style?” asked petite saleschild channeling Victoria Beckham at age 19.

“It might be easier for me to explain what isn’t my style. I don’t like bling or skinny or low-rise or weird stitching.”

“We have one style of mid-rise without any bling.” She pulled a bejeweled-pocketed pair from a stack nearby. “I know these are too busy for you, but can you try these on for fit before I bombard you with choices?”

Surprisingly, the jeans fit but the shredded fabric, bright white stitching everywhere, and crazy pockets were distracting.

“How are they?”

“The fit is good, but I’d rather try the other ones, the ones without the bling…”

“Well, we don’t have this jean in any other style right now. But you could look on-line.”

Bombard me with what choices??? Waste of time…

“Oh we do have this same jean in a short. Are you wearing shorts yet this season?” She flipped out a pair of teeny weeny shorts no longer than the back pockets. I snorted.

“No I’m not wearing shorts yet this season.” I left my Daisy Dukes at the farm in 1979.

“We do have one pair of high-rise jeans if you’d like to try them?”

“High rise? I don’t wear high rise.” Do I? Just then her co-worker suggested some other brand which would be perfect for me. Mid-rise and boring.

Fit.Like.A.Sausage.

I felt every one of my fifty-and-a-half years plus some.

I wanted to apparate straight from this dressing room to The Gap where I was considered Long and Lean before Long and Lean was discontinued…

Some days are just like this. Even in Australia.

talya

Grace Grits and Gardening
Farm. Food. Garden. Life.

Musical Pairing:

Lady Gaga, Born This Way

“I went to sleep with gum in my mouth and now there’s gum in my hair and when I got out of bed this morning I tripped on the skateboard and by mistake I dropped my sweater in the sink while the water was running and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day….Some days are like that. Even in Australia.”
― Judith Viorst, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

I heard a bit of excellent news this week on ABC. In case you missed it, skinny jeans are bad for your health. Ok so how many millions of dollars did we non-skinny-jean-wearing-taxpayers dole out for this brilliant government study? I could have reported on skinny jean hazards for but a tiny fraction of the cost. According to Consumer Reports, skinny jeans can cause digestive and nerve problems, yeast infections, fertility issues and possibly blood clots. I’ll add to that list for free – what about other very real problems such as plunging into deep dark depression from being unable to get one fat thigh into them? Or the serious life trauma of lying on your bed, trying to squeeze into a pair of vintage slim cut jeans and getting a hanger stuck in the zipper? Or the real physical injury of catching your flabby underbelly skin in the zipper? Or, the permanently wounded self-esteem of finally squashing yourself in, but seeing the majority of your lower half overflow like a well stuffed Chipotle burrito. And then suspecting you cracked a rib in the process.

The Gap sells an ‘Always Skinny Lightweight Low-Rise Skimmer Stretch Jean”. Its advertised as extra skinny through the hip and thigh with a skinny leg opening. It comes in size 20. Is this not oxymoronic?

Skinny jeans really only work on the very young ultra thin naturally anoxeric waif types who have not sprouted the hips necessary to birth 8+ pound babies.

When I could
wear skinny jeans
(My Jan Brady years)

I do most of my shopping in Kelsey’s closet. She moved to Washington DC, leaving behind all sorts of cool treasures from her college life that she either has no room for or doesn’t want for whatever reason. Maybe the clothes aren’t skinny enough? In addition to clothes, it’s like having a mini-CVS in the house. Sometimes I run in there to look for nail polish remover or body lotion when I’m fresh out. I scored a Michael Kors purse and cute pair of skinny jeans a while back. Once in a blue moon in the early morning hours, I can actually wear these skinny jeans, but by nightfall I must resort to lamaze breathing to make it through my pizza. Pizza and skinny jeans do not pair well together.

Sooner or later we will all be wearing bell bottoms and sporting big-haired perms again. Skinny jeans will be an ugly, uncomfortable thing from the past like shoulder pads. And I don’t need Dr. Oz to tell me this.