What you are about to read is the true story of a near theft, accidental theft and an alleged theft. In all three situations, I was innocent. These three incidents happened within seven days which seems odd even to me. But I’m no thief or kleptomaniac or shoplifter or anything of the sort. Never have been.
No, really.
Hear me out.
via morgueFile Clarita
Near Theft. Last week I nearly swiped two six-packs of Smart water from Target. The bottles were underneath my shopping cart, you know in that area where oversized things like dog food and bottled water ride. I became hypnotized in the checkout line because the man ahead of me was a Dallas Maverick player (I’m convinced). He emptied his cart onto the conveyor belt—one expensive item after another—electronics, small appliances and other household things one might buy when moving into an ultra cool, downtown Dallas high-rise. He wore earbuds and never spoke yet had a certain polite air about him. He was super duper tall and seemed extremely smooth like Maverick players are. Although I tried to catch a glimpse of his name on his Platinum American Express Card, I couldn’t make it out.
Right here you should know I would normally say something crazy like—you play for the Mavs, right?—but I didn’t.
And the reason I didn’t?
If we began chatting he would most certainly notice my basket filled with embarrassing, middle-aged, boring items. Cheap wine. Dog treats. Anti-itch cream. Laundry detergent. Green onions. Lactose-free milk. Two new bras. Not the sexy, push-up, demi-cup, Victoria Secret knock offs, but real-life underwear.
Hmmmm. My life.
He silently strolled on his exciting way while the checker and I discussed whether or not he was a Mavs player. Yes, we agreed. Of course.
In the thrill of this Target checkout experience, I made it across the parking lot and to my car before realizing the Smart water was still underneath my basket. Never scanned. Never purchased. I could have easily loaded it up and driven my depressing investments home. But I went back into the store, waited in the customer service line, explained how the water was overlooked and paid what I owed.
Most people wouldn’t come back and pay, the manager said.
I wouldn’t be able to sleep, I said.
Accidental Theft. Driving from Austin to Dallas I stopped at the Dr. Pepper Museum in Waco. (Doesn’t everyone?) I wanted pictures for an upcoming freelance article, plus the Dr. Pepper floats alone are worth the stop. (Blue Bell vanilla + soda fountain Dr. Pepper…)
I snapped pictures. I chatted with the lady who made my incredible Dr. Pepper float. I recommended the float to other museum patrons. I visited with the man selling tickets who went out of his way to dig up a brochure for me from the back room. After thirty minutes or so, I returned to my car aware I needed to hurry back to Dallas before rush hour.
I buzzed through Waxahachie when I realized I never paid for my float… I was horrified, yet there was no way I could return to Waco. I had dogs to pick up and rush hour to beat. I watched for blue lights in my rear view mirror certain the Texas Rangers were hot on my tail. Safe inside my home, I confessed my crime to John.
The next morning, I called the museum to turn myself in.
I accidentally forgot to pay for my Dr. Pepper float yesterday. I was there taking pictures for a blog post. I swear I’m not some scam artist. I will mail you a check. How much do I owe? Blah, blah, guilty blah. I was sure all of Waco had heard about the Dr. Pepper Museum robbery pulled off by a lunatic pretending to be a writer.
She laughed and laughed and laughed. “Oh bless your heart, don’t worry about it. No one has said a word about it.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want this in my permanent file.” (My file lives in the dusty bowels of Baylor University just across town from the museum.)
More laughing. She insisted. I said okay. It still bothers me a little.
Alleged Theft. I took the only open table. The man at the table beside me began packing up his belongings to leave. I preferred his table because there was an electrical outlet underneath. I would write at Whole Foods for several hours and eventually need to recharge my computer. He left, I scooted over, opened my journal, began writing. Five minutes later he stood over me.
I came back for my hat. I left it here.
Oh, I haven’t seen it. I looked around.
Well I left it here. You were there, now you’re here. Where is it? He stares at me with hands across his big belly.
I don’t know, maybe you dropped it? I looked underneath the table.
I can see why you’d want it. It’s cold outside. He rubbed his gloved hands together.
I promise, I don’t have your hat.
Maybe not you, but someone. Someone stole my hat.
Look, no one took your hat. I’ve been here since you left five minutes ago.
He shuffled off annoyed and convinced I was sitting on his hat.
There you have it. The whole week was a giant misunderstanding.
Grace Grits and Gardening
Musical Pairing:
Johnny Cash, One Piece at a Time
Hilarious! Only you!!!
And my mother.
“And my mom.” WHAT. How did I get in on this! I have never stolen anything in my life, at least not on purpose. When I got arrested it sure wasn’t for stealing. Lol
This was very funny. Enjoyed it. When I hit reply all the comments were gone. Hope I didn’t steal them.
I’ll bet the guy got home and found the hat in one of his bags and momentarily felt like a moron. I hope so, anyway.
Who knows. Maybe he’s blogging at this very moment about how he accused someone of stealing his hat. Somehow I doubt it. Ha.
What a wonderful story! And you tell it so well. This is the joy of having a blog, you don’t have to be satisfied with just telling John or your bff. Feels great, doesn’t it?
Thank you Dot. I always appreciate your comments!
How funny that it all happened in such a short amount of time. That’s the stuff you just can’t make up! Now, I wonder which basketball player it was…?
Oh my gosh I have totally walked out of Target with something on the bottom of my cart before and had to go back in. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I hadn’t. I usually am hauling several children. I had to laugh at the hat story. Really what would you have done with his hat. Thanks for sharing it totally made me smile. Life is just weird sometimes.
Mama did say there would be days like this, didnt she? Oh my and you had your fair shae all in a short time. Thanks for the laughs though- great post!
Your mother taught you well! Ha ha Bless your heart! 🙂
I used to work at the service desk at KMart and once this lady came back in to pay for a pen that hadn’t been removed from her cart during the check out. I think her total was 49 cents!
I’m the same way! I simply cannot sleep if I don’t find a way of paying for it. Kudos for doing the right thing! Maybe it’ll catch on more. 🙂 #JustDoTheRightThing
Only you, Ms. Talya, could make stealing sound so lovely.
but were you sitting on the hat? that’s the important thing! I’ve said it before you draw crazy!
So very cute, Talya. I could easily imagine you in those situations. i am still hoping that the man got his hat, or maybe he just wanted to chit chat with you. 🙂 You never know.
Talya, this was seriously hilarious! 😀 Enjoyed reading about your adventures or should we say misadventures!! 🙂 The hat(less) guy was too crazy! 😀
My life is not nearly as exciting as yours! Great, funny read!
Oh wow, hahahaha! What a week!
You have a true talent for writing – you took every day life and wrote it in such a way that I couldn’t have stopped reading if the house had caught fire. 🙂 Thank you so much for sharing your “criminal activities” with the rest of us!
Wow thanks but if your house burns down – LEAVE! LOL.
oh my!! you made me laugh!! LOL!!
I usually go back and pay too in case I forget.. I wouldn’t be able to sleep either!
Hugs!
Thank you!
lol…we have to be related somewhere, somehow, some way…I can see myself in all of these circumstances and reacting the same way you did. I remember when I was working for a company in Martin, TN, and this one week when I received my paycheck, I was overpaid by a couple of hundred dollars. It was like I had a devil on one shoulder and an angel on my other shoulder debating with each other on what I should do.=) So, half-reluctantly, I went to my boss and told him. My co-workers laughed at me and told me I should have kept quiet about it, but I knew my conscience wouldn’t allow me to do that. That money wasn’t mine…I didn’t earn it according to my contract with the company…and most importantly, I always get busted for doing something wrong…some people call it ‘karma,’ but I tend to think it’s ‘the Man Upstairs’ keeping me in line…and He does an excellent job of keeping me in check.=) And you’re right, it is a whole lot easier to sleep with a clear conscience.
That’s because we are related in our minds:)
I never get in the checkout line behind anyone famous. However, once I was in line behind an older gentleman who was buying only Metamucil and KY Jelly. I had to look away or laugh.
Oh these were awesome!