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Jen Lancaster, Barbie and Me

November 2, 2012 By Talya Tate Boerner 10 Comments

Such a Pretty Fat, Jen Lancaster, Barbie and Me


This week I am attending a one-week writer’s residency program at Dairy Hollow in Eureka Springs. During this time I will re-post some of my favorite blogs from the prior year. Maybe you missed one? 

originally published 06/21/12…

I love Jen Lancaster. Her books make me laugh out loud no matter my mood or where I happen to be – during a long day of tedious jury duty, crammed in the middle seat between two giant trolls on an airplane, at church – not that I read in church. 


Yes, of course I love the classic writers such as Flannery O’Connor, Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, Carson McCullers. But Jen Lancaster is classic hilarity, her shenanigans on par with Lucy Ricardo. 
I’m certain if Jen and I were ever introduced, we would become hard and fast friends, going to happy hour, not working out, watching America’s Next Top Model. We both wear pearls, love our dogs, and adore all things Barbie.
Jen Lancaster, Barbie and Me
Jen at a book signing in Dallas.
I went to her book signing in Dallas. She was hysterical in person, sharing stories of her girl scout days and her obsession with obtaining badges and selling cookies. I wanted to meet her, to have her sign my book, but the line to see her was wrapped around Barnes & Noble nearly out the door to Northpark Mall and down Central Expressway. Plus, Mexican food and margaritas were calling. My girlfriends and I went to dinner instead.

I have read all her books, some more than once. 

My absolute favorite passage is the story of her late night on-line purchase of the Barbie Fashion Fever Grow N’ Style hair-styling head. She accidentally ordered it after a dose of Ambien which reportedly makes some people do odd things. She had no recollection of this drugged shopping spree until she came “face-to-ass” with the UPS delivery man while attempting Downward Facing Dog in her living room wearing only “yoga pants and a particularly ugly bra covered in faded pink cabbage roses.”  Opening the large box she was horrified, initially thinking someone (a serial killer) had shipped her a severed head via next day delivery.

After she calmed down she remembered “severed heads aren’t pink. With sparkly earrings. And golden blond tresses. And shimmery rose pink lip gloss.” After another Ambien evening, she awoke the following morning to discover someone “retrieved and unpacked the Barbie head” and “styled her with a big back-combed updo, black eyeliner, off-white lipstick and a Pucci-style head wrap”.

“Her shame looked exactly like Nancy Sinatra.” (Such a Pretty Fat, Jen Lancaster)

SeriouslyFunnyStuff. I know you are laughing now.

When I was home in Arkansas a few weeks ago, I went in search of my own childhood Barbie head. My sister and I had one. And everything we ever had is still there, somewhere on that property. Since Barbie wasn’t in our bedroom closet, I knew she must be in the playhouse out back, unvisited by humans for years. 
Vintage Playhouse
Tate girls’ playhouse…
Momma and Daddy built us an amazing playhouse during pre-elementary school days. Really, it was a brilliant move on Momma’s part. We had our own tiny house which kept us out of her hair and her house all day long for years. Forty-some-odd-years-later, the door to the playhouse was tied to the railing to keep it shut. As I untethered it, a wasp guarding the door buzzed my head. The floor, nearly rotten, was crawling with spiders and all sorts of bugs. Throngs of mosquitoes both inside and out swarmed my head like bees. Surrounded by rice fields, mosquitoes are plentiful. 

Inside, the playhouse seemed teeny. I was Alice inside the rabbit hole after she devoured the “EAT ME” cake and grew to an enormous size, hitting her head on the ceiling as her arms poked out the windows on either side. Inside this wonderland, our miniature kitchen, a Christmas gift from Uncle Rex  looooooong ago, lined the walls still filled with tiny pots and pans and plastic play food. Kelsey and Tate “cooked” on the stove in the early 90s, Zach and Taylor a few years later. 
Vintage toys, Vintage Playhouse
Talya in Wonderland
note: the LOVE sign is about waist high…
Bravely (stupidly) I opened a box which initially startled me – it was completely filled with rats! Or, human hair! Someone had been scalped! I’m sure my reaction was not unlike Jen Lancaster’s when she thought her UPS box contained a severed head. I heard myself scream before recognizing the box was full of wigs. Somewhere in the back of my mind I remembered these were my Nana’s wigs. Why a box of wigs are being stored in the playhouse, I have no idea. Dressup? Halloween?

Vintage Barbie Head!
There on the shelf, glassy-eyed and spacey, sat Barbie’s head. A giant cobweb stretched from the shelf across her “golden blond tresses”, sadly unstyled for years. A faded beauty, her face was makeup free, lips as pale as mine. I felt sorry for her. I’m sure she was embarrassed.

I almost carried her in the house to spiff her up, but since I wasn’t drugged on Ambien or anything else, I left her behind in the time warp playhouse to live out her remaining days. She looked at home there.

talya

Grace Grits and Gardening
Farm. Food. Garden. Life.

Musical Pairings:

Barbie Girl, Aqua

“Curiouser and curiouser.“ Alice in Wonderland

Filed Under: Humor Tagged With: humor, Jen Lancaster, Such a Pretty Fat

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Comments

  1. Colene says

    June 21, 2012 at 6:44 am

    I know who I am going to read next! Thanks for another cute, crazy, fun blog! You make my day.

    Reply
    • TateFarmGirl says

      June 21, 2012 at 6:28 pm

      You will love her books and have something to read all summer!

      Reply
  2. Kaa says

    June 21, 2012 at 6:57 am

    I had comic books in my playhouse, only we called a pole house because it was mounted 10 feet off the ground on creosote poles. I rescued a few of the better ones before they disintegrated altogether.

    Reply
    • TateFarmGirl says

      June 21, 2012 at 6:27 pm

      Was the pole house there when we visited that one year? The year we rode go-karts?

      Reply
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      • http://www./ says

        November 16, 2016 at 5:11 am

        Im a pro loser thank you very much. Id kill for second. id kill for a handshake and a high five. perhaps “hey! thanks for busting your ass in this miserable factory everyday and never complaining.” but i guess thats asking too much

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  3. Anonymous says

    June 24, 2012 at 8:20 am

    Papa Creecy built the playhouse for your 5th birthday. Remember your party? Little tables were set out under the weeping willow. Every girl brought their doll and ya’ll have a “play house party”.

    Bernie, a friend who worked for my daddy when he was sixteen and also worked for Thomas the rest of his life, tied the play house door shut so it wouldn’t rain inside. Bernie was a hoot. He would be a good blog. Talya’s Mom

    Reply
  4. TateFarmGirl says

    June 24, 2012 at 8:33 am

    I am writing a blog about that very party right now! I’ve already mentioned the dolls and the weeping Williow. We are thinking the exact same thing.

    Reply
    • Anonymous says

      November 2, 2012 at 7:40 am

      I may have to go back and read some more of Jen Lancaster. I think you should send a copy of this blog to her. I bet she would read it and laugh. Barbara

      Reply
  5. Colene says

    November 3, 2012 at 6:57 am

    I have read several of Jen’s books since you first posted this blog. I love reading her books too!

    Reply

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Talya Tate Boerner


Hi! I'm Talya. Writer, Reader, Arkansas Master Naturalist / Master Gardener, Author of

THE ACCIDENTAL SALVATION OF GRACIE LEE (2016)

GENE, EVERYWHERE: a life-changing visit from my father-in-law (2020)

BERNICE RUNS AWAY (Now Available!)

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Talya Tate Boerner books
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