Is it my imagination, or is there an awards show on television about every 23 days? They are exceptionally long and drawn out – about 7 hours if you include all the pre-game-catty-JoanRivers-red-carpet-commentary. But, like Toddlers and Tiaras, someone must be watching to warrant such a prominent prime time broadcasting slot. To name a few, there’s the American Music Awards, Grammys, Latin Grammys, Latin Billboard Grammys, Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Awards, MTV Video Music Awards, Country Music Awards, Teen Choice Awards, Academy of Country Music, NAACP Music Awards and Hip Hop Awards. And these are just music award shows. I’m surprised I haven’t won an award, and I haven’t sung since choir at Rivercrest. I was without a doubt the weakest link, but I do believe I could still sing my Sweet Adeline part to “Let a Smile Be Your Umbrella“. And it would be no more odd than the musical expression witnessed on the recent Grammy Awards. I bet Mrs. Brasfield would agree.
I accidentally watched thirty minutes of the Grammys after several of my friends hounded me with texts and Facebook messages, convincing me that I was truly missing something amazing. Maybe I chose the wrong thirty minutes? I recognized not one single person. No names sounded remotely familiar. And within that half hour, not one award was handed out. At one point I was sure I was watching the wrong channel – I even double checked to make sure. Thirty minutes I would never get back. To further add salt to the wound, Doug Henard pointed out that I could have been watching Swamp People instead. I love a good campy horror movie.
Sunday night is Oscar night. It’s the one awards show I semi-watch only if Billy Crystal is hosting. He’s pretty funny. Typically, like the music award shows, I am unfamiliar with the nominated movies, but three years down the road, just knowing the Oscar winners can be helpful standing in front of the Redbox at CVS.
There was a time that I actually made an effort to see at least a few of the nominated films prior to the Academy Awards. Like The English Patient. It seriously should have won the most boring movie EVER award. Yet it won 9 Oscars! John and I considered leaving, but I had a charlie horse in my foot and couldn’t walk. We did make it through the entire movie, watching a burned soldier lie on a stretcher, wrapped like a mummy. Turned out ten years later we discovered that burned patient was The Dark Lord Voldemort, which did not surprise me in the least! Finally, it made sense.
Another butt numbing movie that comes to mind was The Piano. Holly Hunter never looked worse, and she was mute. It stands to reason that a mute lead actor makes for a bit of a boring film. I was mute when I left. It won 3 Oscars and tons of nominations. In 2010, the Best Picture Award went to The Hurt Locker. I refuse to even see it – it just sounds boring.
This year, the nominees for Best Picture along with my totally unscientific odds are:
- The Artist Odds 1-5 I saw this preview several times waiting to watch other movies. It’s a black and white silent movie which makes it just artsy fartsy enough to win. Right out of the gate, this is the best bet of the night, but you’ll only make forty cents on two bucks.
- The Descendants Odds 3-5 This movie has a director popular with Oscar, as well as handsome George Clooney. The music was Don Ho-ish which nearly made me hysterical at the Angelika, thinking back to our Hawaiian vacation where my mother joined in with all the hula dancers – not dancing – but singing. Overall, the movie was a bit slow. Oscar loves slow which makes this a favorite.
- War Horse – Odds 7-5 I did not see this – I don’t do sad animal movies since Where the Red Fern Grows in 1974. I get teary just thinking about those hunting dogs. But Oscar loves Steven Spielberg, and my friend Harold Green said War Horse was fantastic. So I give this one good odds. Would be a good Trifecta pick.
- Hugo – Odds 3-1 This movie looks great; however I have not seen it. I’m not sure how I missed it, although until recently, I thought it was animated. It has an Oscar favorite director.
- Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close Odds 5-1 Loved the book! Haven’t seen the movie. I’d give it decent odds just knowing Tom Hanks is in it.
- The Help Odds 10-1 Loved the book. Enjoyed the movie. Way too mainstream (i.e. normal/popular) to win Best Picture. Although I think the woman who played Abilene has a decent shot at Best Actor.
- Midnight in Paris – Odds 20-1 This was a fun, cute movie that somehow I managed to see. Owen Wilson is always fun and cute. It was way too fun and cute for an Oscar.
- Moneyball – Odds 30-1 Haven’t seen it, but I think I would like it, so I doubt it will win Best Picture.
- The Tree of Life Odds 30-1 Never even heard of it; therefore, best long shot of the day.
Best $0.10 Superfecta = The Artist / The Descendants / War Horse / Hugo. In that order.
It’s post time!
talya
Musical Pairings:
Mary J. Blige, “The Living Proof”
Don Ho, “Tiny Bubbles”
Swamp people…series not movie
The Hurt Locker…filled with inaccuracies but not boring, try it.
I was not even aware there was a swamp people series. Is it like Creature from the Black Lagoon? or are these people in Louisiana hunting alligators?
You forgot “Chariots of Fire” boringest movie ever!
I ‘saw’ Chariots of Fire in college. I fell asleep within the first five minutes and slept through the entire movie. It’s the only movie I have slept through like that. I saw it later and thought it was good tho.
The Piano and the Joy Luck Club get my vote for the most boring movies ever!
Carlene
I hated The Piano. Thank goodness I somehow missed the Joy Luck Club!
I know what you mean about boring Oscar movies…boring and disturbing, or both, like Monsters Ball (best actress), Piano, etc. Why do I always feel like I need a shower after watching an Oscar winning/nominated film? OK, not actually true…only those that I had never heard of and watched specifically because of their nomination/win. Titanic, Dances With Wolves, Forest Gump…those were all worth watching. Never had a problem with an animated oscar winner either. But some of the most mind numbingingly boring movies I’ve ever watched were on that list too.
Oh yeah. Piano was a real snoozer for me.