I had one of those blah days, you know the sort, a day when everything drags along a bit out of sync. It all began with a gush of stagnant water from my front load washing machine—a frozen pipe. Luckily the pipe didn’t burst, so things could have been worse. Much worse.
The afternoon brought news of yet another short story rejection. I’ve learned to dismiss these rejections as quickly as spam—it’s all part of the roller coaster. But even so, sometimes I wonder why I bother.
There were other things about the day too. Dull, drab sort of things I won’t bore you with, but the sum of which added up to a complete waste of makeup sort of day.
That is…until I learned my friend’s long-time partner committed suicide. He lost his battle with depression.
In that split second I realized I’ve never had a bad day. Not really.
I don’t understand depression. I haven’t had to, not directly, and for that I’m thankful. As I try to wrap my hands around this horror, I think depression must be like cancer, something that takes hold, slowly eats away until the bad outweighs the good. Or maybe depression is like the weather. Something that can’t be turned on or off or controlled. It just is.
I don’t pretend to know. I only know we are all connected, and one person’s death has affected so many.
The morning after this shocking news, I watched the sun rise above the Live Oaks in our neighborhood. The glow spread extra pink, extra bright, so exuberant it seemed disrespectful. Yet the sun doesn’t comprehend life’s tragedies.
Or maybe it does.
Maybe sunrise is our most visible sign of hope.
Grace Grits and Gardening
“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.”
― E.A. BucchianeriÂ
Thoughtful and well stated, Tayla….the quote it ends with is so true!
Oh, this is so deep. I really enjoyed this. Depression is hard to understand. I remember when a cousin of mine committed suicide, I had a hard time with it. Why? She had told me one time that she had never been happy her entire life. Not in college, not in her marriage, not ever. How sad.
Excellent post, Talya. And once again, I’m reminded how much we take for granted such little things as never having to face thoughts of “the world would be better off without me in it.” My sympathies to your friend, their friends, and families.
Thank you Gary.
Incredible! I too have never had a bad day, not compared with most folks I know and I am extremely thankful for it! Great post & even better idea!
My friend you put into words exactly what Depression feels like to me it is like a cancer that eats away a little part of you every day until theirs nothing left to hold on too. For some it is worse than others but for people that have always had control of their lives and depression comes along and takes over (and that’s what it does) sometime you just feel that theirs no other way out very sad but true. I am sorry for your friends loss.
I’m sorry you struggle with this Tommy. You can always reach out to me if you need someone to talk to.
Thanks Talya I may have to take you up on that..
Depression is the worst type of sickness. My mother suffers from it. She has fallen deeper and deeper every since we lost my brother 7 years ago. She just doesn’t care anymore. It’s a terrible disease that you have no idea how to fight!
I hate this for you and your family Robin.
Different types of depression, just as all sickness. Here’s one type:
There is a darkness that seems to start as a signal to me. This maybe a poor choice of words, but it is the only word I can use to describe. The ugly darkness soon engulf your whole being. No warmth from light, no hope that it shall pass. No tears will fall, only the numbness as the coldness from the dark smothers any ounce of energy that stuggles to emerge. The mind only dwells on the negative thoughts and memories. The sweet memories are no where to be found. Lonely, the spiteful friend of depression, will soon take the lead. Lies of being unloved, unwanted, ugly, worthless, go round and round in your mind. Eventually the mind is searching for an escape from the torment of existance.
I found relief – You see, I kept praying through it all. I somehow managed to get myself to the doctor. Not a word was spoken when the Doc came in the room. He just looked at me and then he hugged me and said “We can help you. You are not alone. This is a sickness that you can get over.” Then, through that act of kindness, and I truly believe, and act of God, I started to cry. I opened up my heart and confessed that I had no reason to be breathing. I attempted to put in words to him some of the ugly thoughts and feelings I was fighting day and night. In just a few short weeks, I was feeling alive again. My faith in Jesus and His love for me flooded my soul. Today, when the shadows of darkness start creeping in, I have my own way to push it back and get on with living a joyous life. The sickness of depression is different for all, I am sure. I am no longer on any medication, in fact, I was on it for less than 3 months. I was told my bout with the battle was nothing compared to most. I am very blessed in the strength that comes from my faith in Jesus. The hoplessness that many suffer in depression is so awful. The thought of death creeps in and promises that “It” is the only answer. This, my friend, is a lie from the enemy. Living for Christ, taking on the shield of faith, never ceasing to pray,plus all the countless tools in the Holy Word, continues to give me power over the darkness.
My heart breaks for those who battle with this ugly sickness, I can not image the pain of never getting better-healed.
Wilma, I am so glad you were strong enough to seek help and that you have ways to conquer depression. Your description is so vivid and scary. Thank you for sharing.
Wonderful post! One of your best. I’m so sad for David, for Crescent. Such a loss to our world. I have thought more than once that it didn’t seem right for the world to go on after a death, but the fact that it does, makes us keep living even when we don’t want to.
Thank you Dorothy.
I think none of us really understand depression even when we have seen it up close or even experienced it. Your friend will be needing a lot of loving support. Thank you for this caring post.
This is such an inspiring and thoughtful post. i feel for your feiend. Last few stanzas are so beautifully written. Whenever I have a bad day I talk to my dad. He somehow knows how to cheer me up. 🙂
Good for you for not taking the condescending rejection to heart. Good grief.
Thanks Patti. Glad you agree:)
How terribly sad. What a tragedy for your friend, for the man, and for all who knew and cared about him. I pray all the time for strength and help for those with mental illnesses. I’ve been through mild cases of it, but thank God, nothing as serious as this.
You are right that something like this makes our common troubles and frustrations seem like nothing. However, I don’t blame you for being angry at the rejection letter. How patronizing. In my opinion, you haven’t lost anything by not appearing in that publication. If that’s how its editor sounds, I don’t think I’d like anything it prints. (I think you should respond to them exactly how you did here!)
Peace, and my heart goes out to your friend.
Thank you for speaking up
Coffee is on
I don’t think any of us really do, or ever will, understand what it is like to be clinically depresses. We all have our bad days and that’s normal; when depressions sets in, we feel like the bad day is actually the rest of our life and there is no hope, no way out and no more happiness to be shared. We give up, we let go and we just want to forget everything and everyone that cares about who we are and why we are here.
Talya, I read your post on depression and I had to say something. I do not understand depression either and I have had it all my life. More than once I have tried to end it all and have failed each time. I have spent a week in Parkwood (a local psych hospital in Olive Branch) on 3 different occasions. I have been in counseling with both group an individual counselors. I have been on anti-depressants of all types for over 5 years. None of the above have done any good towards ending the depression. You would hope that with all the advances in modern medicine you could take some type of pill in hopes that it would all go away. But no luck. The only explanation I have reached about my failed attempts, is by the grace of God I am still here. He has let me know he is not ready for me yet at least not when I decided I was ready. I have reached the conclusion that when he is ready for me that is when I will go. Until then I have gotten my most peace through Jesus. No hospital, no counseling, no drugs has ever giving me the peace that he has. I still have depression but I have giving it to God and he has let me know that he is there with me and that if I trust in him he will carry my burden for me and not leave me alone. I don’t know if this has been of any help, but it is where I am at in my day to day life. By the way I am about half way through “Gracie” and you really have a good book. Have you giving any thoughts to Gracie becoming a teenager in your next book? It would be a great follow-up.
For some unknown reason, I’m just now reading this beautifully written post. I hope by this time your friend has moved on as best he could after the devastating loss of his partner. I can only pray he has found some peace and is comforted by the circle of family and friends around him.
I have counseled patients through the years with a wide variety of mental illnesses – but none more debilitating than social anxieties that (in my experience) can lead to major depression. There are medications that can be taken for those with chemical imbalances and a myriad of other treatments for differing diagnoses. I have seen people get better with time and have seen them get worse. I have actually on at least 3 occasions talked someone out of committing suicide, or so they said. I am blessed and so thankful for being given the right words to say that potentially saved lives.
After my accident, 17 years ago, I learned what depression feels like – up close and personal. Thankfully, I found a regimen of medicines that worked for me and also sought the counseling I needed. When you are a counselor (yourself) it’s common to resist therapy for yourself, afterall – you are the one who is suppose to be counseling others – NOT the other way around. But the fact is, {and it took me years to recognize and embrace this concept} if you don’t take care of yourself – how can you ever be a help to others? The simple answer is: you can’t. And it’s OK to seek help, it doesn’t matter what your address or zip code is, it doesn’t matter that society places an unfair ‘stigma’ on those seeking help, it doesn’t matter what’s in your bank account or even if you have a bank account, and it certainly doesn’t matter if you are in a helping profession/counseling role yourself. In fact, you should be sufficiently more “self aware” because you are in a helping profession and therefore you know all the red flag warnings of depression. But the bottom line is sometimes you’re so deep in the forest – you don’t see the trees. And you aren’t accustomed to looking for them because you are not use to looking out for yourself – others always come first.
I won’t ramble on – although you know I could. Let me just say, depression is a deep dark and ugly place. I’ve never met anyone who wanted to be there. But sometimes it rears it’s ugly head and there you are staring it in the face. The good news is you can stare it down if you have enough grit, determination, and good support/intervention; but sadly, sometimes it is all consuming and the reality is that what was most likely a temporary problem ends in a tragic permanent solution. I’ve stared depression down recently through several difficult things going on in my life at the same time. So far I’m managing to win. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. WhateverItTakesToGetThrough.
I often recall fond memories of my childhood and am so thankful I was raised in church (like Gracie Lee) and have a solid foundation deeply rooted in my faith. I cringe to think what might have happened if I didn’t know the Lord. I now know God will not give me more than I can handle – and although it’s not rainbows and roses all the time – I am confident that tomorrow’s sunrise will arrive and I pray to be there to witness that miraculous beauty in all it’s glory – for it is indeed – a most visible sign of HOPE.
Thanks for sharing this! So many people suffer and never get help. I thankful you are able to help others. I know they are too!