Archives for March 2012

Chiggers and Bigfoot

March 14, 2012 By Talya Tate Boerner

Lake Norfork

Spring break is here! The best thing about spring break is this officially marks the countdown to our annual family Norfork Lake trip. Only about 130 sleeps and that’s chump change. Perhaps I should consider a diet? Nah.

I’ve been spending summers at the lake since I was 6 months old. It’s my second home. I could build a shelter and live happily ever after on the sandy island near Jordan, surrounded by clear smooth waters – its like Gilligan’s Island minus the coconuts and bananas. And we have no Professor in our group which might come in handy, especially when the Miss Stalya breaks down. Even when the island is underwater, we motor over there tying up to a tree limb, longing for a gritty island hot dog, but settling for a soggy turkey sandwich.

As kids, sometimes our family went to the lake at Easter. Even though the lake water was icy cold, we wrapped up in beach towels like mummies with our swimsuits underneath jeans and sweatshirts, just in case a tropical front wafted through. We sped around on the lake all day, chilled to the bone but loving every minute. There was no other place we would have rather been. Instead of having a raccoon eyed glow like those cool spring break snow skiers, we had a Norfork Lake wind burn.

One year, our cousin Freddie Joe climbed a steep rocky bluff near Henderson and dove into the frosty Easter waters. I didn’t really think he would do it – it was blustery and cold and the sky was overcast. But he was so crazy and fun and full of life – he never even hesitated. Of course after climbing to the top of those bluffs, there’s really only one way down. Geronimo! He climbed back into the boat shivering, his dark mop of wet curls spraying cold water all over us, as we raced back to the warmth of the cabin. Not long after that infamous plunge from the cliff, he died in a tragic car wreck on the interstate near our home. His life was cut much too short, but it was filled to capacity. I always think of him when I see that cliff.

Our cabin in the woods

Our little cabin was situated way back in the woods off Tracey Road. You had to know where you were going to find it. In the early morning hours, my sister and I spent hours hiking through those woods surrounding the cabin, picking Black-eyed Susans along with chiggers, while all the adults lingered over breakfast. How they feasted on scrambled eggs, bacon, biscuits and gravy before donning a bathing suit, we could not understand. And walking through the dense forest, we always kept an eye out for Bigfoot, surprised yet relieved we never found him. If I was Bigfoot, I would live there for sure.

A few nights ago, I stumbled upon Finding Bigfoot on Animal Planet. I was completely mesmerized by this show. The team was in Kentucky near a Bigfoot ‘hot spot’. The suspense grew as farmers gave testimonies of recent roadside sightings, complete with re-enactments. Sadly the team never found him, but I was totally hooked. It was silly and mindless but more interesting than the other reality tv choices. I don’t care who Ben chooses, which Idol wins or where Khloe is shopping. I wonder if this Bigfoot tracking team has ever traveled to Mountain Home, Arkansas?

In the 1970s when Friday the 13th came out, those dark woods and roads leading to our cabin became a bit scary late at night. Norfork Lake resembled Crystal Lake. Instead of looking for Bigfoot, we avoided Jason. Thank goodness we never found him there. He would certainly mess up our little corner of Heaven.

Only 130 sleeps. Blink of an eye.

talya

Musical Pairings:

Rascal Flatts, “Summer Nights”
War, “Summer”

Sleeping on the Dock at the Lake

March 12, 2012 By Talya Tate Boerner

John gave me a cold recently. It started with a sore throat Monday night during House, moved into a hacking cough on Tuesday by Good Morning America, and morphed into a full-fledged head cold by Modern Family complete with stuffy sinuses, pounding headache, and watery eyes. I hate being sick. Every day a new symptom showed up and every night John feigned total shock, “You should be feeling MUCH better today.” But each day I felt worse. Maybe it took me longer to get over it, because I get NO SLEEP. Combining his melodic snoring to my headache, sinus pressure, and teeth grinding, and it was the perfect storm for prolonged illness.

We have a new heavenly California king bed, which became extremely necessary when Annabelle joined the harem. The bed is hand crafted with “the finest pure flax, wool, cotton, carefully selected pine and genuine, hypoallergenic horsehair”. No kidding. It’s like sleeping on a cloud. The Queen of England sleeps on this same type bed. Since we spend 1/3 of our lives sleeping – or so the stat claims – we decided it was a good investment. The dogs LOVE it – it’s the horsehair, no doubt. John snores really comfortably on it. I’m pretty sure when our specific bed was handcrafted, an amusing master artisan weaved a pea into one of those many layers on my side. Not that I’m a princess or anything. I just can’t seem to sleep in these premenopausal days.

The week of my illness, I roamed all over the house seeking rest. Tate’s bedroom, the couch, Kelsey’s bedroom… Finally, one night, I broke down and whipped up a Whitneyish cocktail of Nyquil, cough medicine and Advil PM. I drifted off in the new bed and slept soundly. It was a deep, soundless, restful sleep with no interruptions. Apparently I passed out. The best sleep I remembered in a great while, and it was much needed.

Lake Norfork, Arkansas

Then just before daybreak, I had one of those wonderful dreams – the kind from which you never want to awaken. You semi-realize you are dreaming, but you continue on with the dream, floating, luxuriating in it, wanting it to be real. I was lying on the dock at the lake looking up at the early morning sky. I could feel the hard boards underneath my back. There was a slight rocking motion as the water slowly moved. The dock creaked. I love that sound – unmistakeable, tranquil lake music. My arms were chilled in the morning air, and there was a slight mist on the surface of the glassy water – a bit of fog. With shades of lavender overhead, I kept my eyes closed and listed to the rhythmic creaking. In the trees, a mourning dove called out. An early morning boater sped by in the distance rocking the dock with more intention. As kids, my sister and I loved to swim out with our floats to catch the bigger waves. The adults, naturally, never wanted any wake around the dock. The rocking picked up, but was still calming. I came to that point in my dream, when I was more awake than asleep. I didn’t want it to end, it was so pleasant. I wanted the motion of the dock to lull me back to sleep. Just keep sleeping.

As the fog continued to clear on the lake and in my head, the rocking became even more prominent. Wait, was I on choppy seas? The ocean? What happened to the lake? It wasn’t quite so peaceful anymore – rough waters. Suddenly, I was completely coherent and no longer at the lake.

The rhythmic rocking of the dock was actually snoring. At 5:30 am, John was glued to me in spoon like fashion, with his nose in my eardrum. Didn’t matter that I was ill, that I had a quarter inch coating of green Nyqil on my nasty tongue. Didn’t matter that I was wearing my “Fleas Navidad” t-shirt (thank you Renee). My nose was stopped up like a dirty sink and my hair looked like a bad version of the Farrah Fawcett ‘do. Didn’t matter. Apparently in that particular moment of time, when I was finally sleeping comfortably through an entire night, I was totally irresistible. And his loud snoring vibrations nearly rocked me clear off the dock/bed, of which I was allotted a teeny tiny fraction.

The lake and the dock and the mourning dove abruptly vanished, and my mind cleared. I elbowed John in an attempt to stifle the snoring. He rolled over, with a huge smile on his face, but still sound asleep. Hmmmm? While I was slumbering peacefully at the lake, I wonder just exactly what John was dreaming? Sometimes its best to not ask questions.

talya

Musical Pairings:

Otis Redding, “Sitting on the Dock of the Bay”
Zac Brown Band, “Knee Deep”

No More Good Christian Cream Cheese

March 11, 2012 By Talya Tate Boerner

Everyone’s in a huff about yet another moronic sounding tv show – GCB, based on the book by the same name (although un-abbreviated). It’s being touted by ABC as the replacement dramedy show for Desperate Housewives, which I quit watching many seasons ago when Susan turned out to be such an idiot. If not for Dallas Mavericks basketball, Top Chef and Modern Family, I could donate my television to the good Christians at First Baptist Church.

GCB was filmed three streets from our home on Swiss Avenue, although the setting is reportedly Highland Park. Film crews are likely not allowed within the Highland Park bubble, forcing them to shoot over in our hood. This is mildly interesting, but not enough to make me tune in and donate and hour of my life each week. However, in the spirit of being a good Christian b!#@h myself on occasion, I offer a few brief observations.

First of all, doesn’t Kraft Foods, which pulled its advertisement, realize those good Christian women comprise a major market segment of Philly cream cheese purchasers? Those WMU women deliver cherry cream cheese pies and spinach artichoke dip to the ill and survivors of the dearly departed all over the South on a daily basis. They thrive on it. They have funeral phone trees. Its part of their mission, taught in Sunday school classes at an early age.

Secondly, did the ABC producers, bless their hearts, really think that abbreviating the show name would fool anyone? Or keep the title from offending anyone?

Thirdly, even though I haven’t seen it, I’m sure botoxed lips and Big D bleached hair are plentiful in GCB. That tired ratty theme has been beat to a pulp. Can’t the creative heads come up with some new and exciting trainwreck? How about Fine Scientologist Ba$t@#d$? Now that’s a captivating title for a new hit show if ever there was one. All the good Christian bi#@h$ would watch it for sure. When pray tell does that premiere?

talya

Musical Pairings:

Crosby, Stills & Nash, “Teach Your Children Well”
Barenaked Ladies, “If I Had $1,000,000”

“I mean why would anybody in their right mind leave Dallas for Southern California? We’ve got the same weather without the liberals.” (Gigi in GCB)