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Lisa Marie had a PONY!

March 26, 2012 By Talya Tate Boerner

Graceland

I so wanted to be Lisa Marie Presley. Growing up near Memphis, Elvis was local royalty, adored by all. People flocked to Graceland hoping to catch a glimpse of The King. He had been known to toss diamond rings over the iron gates like Mardi Gras beads to passersby. We would have been thrilled to see anyone walking around on the front stoop – a gardener, the pest control man – anyone with access within those hallowed inner walls surrounding the estate. 

Lisa Marie’s TV room.
When Lisa Marie was born, we eagerly soaked up all the available news like crazed stalkers. Although mostly shielded from the public, the newspaper occasionally threw the adoring fans a bone and published a rare photo of Lisa Marie riding her pony in the backyard at Graceland. She had her own pony. Driving by Graceland on the way to the zoo or the Pink Palace Museum, I tried to imagine which bedroom would have been mine had I been born to Elvis and Priscilla instead of Thomas and Barbara? Lisa Marie was the luckiest girl, I didn’t know.

Backside of Graceland

There was a big, kidney-shaped swimming pool in the backyard of Graceland, which didn’t much compare to our plastic one, filled to the rim with rusty cold water from the hose. The well water sometimes turned our hair and clothes orange, matching our cool shag carpet. Although we had John Deere tractors, Lisa Marie had her own plane. What a charmed life!
Underbelly of the Lisa Marie
As a toddler, Elvis took L-Marie on that plane to see snow in Colorado. Like we didn’t have snow? As a child growing up before global warming, we enjoyed deep snowfalls each winter, dismissing school for weeks at a time, a definite benefit to country living. Did Lisa Marie even have to attend school? Regardless, being a farm girl with a life revolving around weather conditions, I knew good and well the massive weather fronts affecting Northeast Arkansas traveled smooth across the Mississippi River and straight into Memphis over Graceland. We were only a few miles apart as the crow flies. Who was Elvis trying to fool? Memphis and Graceland and Lisa Marie got the same exact snowfall we received. And it made for perfectly delicious snow cream. If I had a plane instead of a tractor, I would go to the beach!
I was convinced that someday lucky Lisa Marie would meet and marry my heartthrob Donny Osmond. She was just that lucky. Each night I gazed at my OhSoCute, life-sized poster of Donny taped to the bedroom closet door. He was wearing a white sequined jumpsuit, much like the one Elvis wore during Live from Las Vegas, only smaller. Seeing Donny O in concert was THE highlight of my pre-teen life. Driving past Graceland on the way to the show, I happily waved to Lisa Marie in case she was looking out my window. In truth, I suspected she was already backstage with Donny.

After Elvis died, I felt so sad for her. Graceland became circus-like as did my hometown. Most of the ladies in Keiser had tickets to Elvis’ upcoming concert which never happened. Did Lisa Marie even have a real home anymore? Maybe she could stay at our house? We practically had a jungle room. 
I don’t know if Lisa Marie ever met Donny Osmond, maybe on Dancing with the Stars? Of course she totally blew whatever chance she had with him when she married Michael Jackson. What on earth was she thinking?  If Elvis is in that grave by the Graceland swimming pool, I know he rolled over a few times when that happened.

Thank goodness for unanswered prayers. Turns out I’m the one with the charmed life.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

talya

Elvis, “All Shook Up”
Donny Osmond, “Puppy Love”

“Elvis was the king. No doubt about it. People like myself, Mick Jagger and all the others only followed in his footsteps.” 
-Rod Stewart 

Step away from those peanuts!

March 23, 2012 By Talya Tate Boerner

The news reported this morning, “Safeway has agreed to stop selling pink slime in its ground beef but Walmart will give its consumers a choice.” So given an alternative, some people will choose pink slime to save a fifty cents? This was like a Saturday Night Live Weekend Update report.
I admit, the possibility of pink slime gave me pause at lunch this week as I ordered a beef taco. But I ordered it anyway. It hadn’t hurt me yet. At least I didn’t think so.
Like eating raw cookie dough. People now frown on this because of the raw eggs. As kids we ate raw cookie dough and licked sugary spoons anytime we had the opportunity. Licking the chocolate batter from the mixer beaters was the best part of baking a cake for funeral wakes. Luckily there was always a bit left in the bottom of the mixing bowl. And we drank water straight out of the hose all summer long. It was flavored with a hint of rubber and rust, but it was cold and refreshing when we were hot and sweaty from playing in the yard all day.  Apparently that’s bad now too – the hose not the yard. Of course the yard is dangerous if you aren’t slathered in a super high SPF broad-spectrum UVA/UVB sun blocking sunscreen with extra helioplex. 
Our front yard. Site of lots of
dangerous shenanigans.
And we ate peanuts. No one was allergic to peanuts. 
We picked never-organic strawberries straight off the ground at Aunt Virgie’s and ate them without rinsing them off. They were juicy and sweet and delicious, growing like ground cover beside the chicken coop. And how we loved to play in that chicken coop, no doubt surrounded by very organic chicken poop. The worst thing that happened was maybe a sunburn on our shoulders or a splinter from swinging on the poles where the chickens roosted.
Or was it? Maybe all these incredibly dangerous things have affected me. Jumping rope in chicken poop probably made me lactose intolerant? I bet peanuts are making these random hairs grow above my lip! And this warty thingy on my hand is probably from that dang water hose. 

talya

Musical Pairings:

Tim McGraw, “Back When”
Alabama, “High Cotton”

“Ugh! I’ve been kissed by a dog! I have dog germs! Get hot water! Get some disinfectant! Get some Iodine!” – Lucy Van Pelt

Cell Phone Mad Science

March 8, 2012 By Talya Tate Boerner

Why do loan documents have to be printed in super gigantic mickey mouse fonts with rescindable language and simple simon sentences, such as YOU MUST REPAY THIS DEBT and THE VALUE OF YOUR HOUSE MAY DECLINE, but cell phone companies can apparently do whatever they please, hiding fees and charges and embedding undisclosed codes within mystery plans that not even a nuclear rocket scientist could interpret, much less the average homeowner who makes payments on a home he can’t afford. It is maddening.
Shouldn’t Dodd Frank be all up in this monkey business? Where are the consumer advocates? Oh yes, the government researches driving and texting, which is terrible, as well as cell phone radiation, but what about consumer billing protection and tricky cell phone lingo? I dare say no one can understand a cell phone statement.
John and I had an hour+ long conference call yesterday afternoon with Stacey from AT&T, trying to add John to my plan. Of course an additional line is advertised for a mere $9.99. But it seems my current super special plan is so secret that it’s no longer available; therefore, we were forced to change our entire plan.
Stacey was a yacker. She explained all sorts of plans until my head was spinning. I tried to get my arms around the difference between anytime, nighttime, and weekend minutes. Would I would be roaming at nighttime or anytime at all? Did we need FamilyMap for $9.99/month to locate up to 2 family members? What was this tracking devise, like a skip trace? I know some people who probably need this feature… There was pay as you go, prepay, and push to talk…? No thanks, we will just keep our current pay out the butt plan. Stacey could be an auctioneer.
Once we agreed on something – I have no idea what but our decision was recorded for security purposes – she was required to run my credit report. Why!? Doesn’t my perfect payment history warrant adding John to the account for $9.99 without a credit check? John is the only person working in our household. They should be tracking him down and begging to add him to the plan. I needed to pop in my night guard – I caught myself grinding and clenching my teeth.
While I was sequestered on this call, I made the bed, loaded and started the dishwasher and stuffed and basted a chicken for dinner. The chicken was smelling mighty delicious by the time Stacey recapped our entire plan for quality control reasons. My last root canal was less painful, and I received hydrocodone as a parting gift. This call resulted in a shiny new mystery cell plan, 4,000 free rollover minutes and a dull headache.
I pray Stacey got all the complicated cell plan changes input before the massive solar flares began threatening world wide electronic systems today. My Facebook sure has been slow this morning.
talya
Musical Pairings:
Blondie, “Call Me”
Jimmy Buffet, “If the Phone Doesn’t  Ring, It’s Me”
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Hi! I'm Talya Tate Boerner. Writer, Reader, Arkansas Master Naturalist / Master Gardener, Author of

THE ACCIDENTAL SALVATION OF GRACIE LEE (2016)

GENE, EVERYWHERE: a life-changing visit from my father-in-law (2020)

BERNICE RUNS AWAY (2022)

THE THIRD ACT OF THEO GRUENE (coming 2025)

Recent Ramblings:

  • Sunday Letter: 11.23.25
  • Maggie and Miss Ladybug: My New Children’s Nature Book
  • Sunday Letter: November 9, 2025
  • Sunday Letter: Oct 26, 2025
  • Sunday Letter: Oct 5, 2025

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