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Archives for 2012

Yu-phoria

February 26, 2012 By Talya Tate Boerner

Turning Japanese
1. Japanese Flag Bandana
2. Samurai Sword
3. Ichiban Sweatshirt
4. Shockingly turquoise shorts
5. Big Hair
6. Socks
Wrong on so many levels…..

For many folks this past week marked “the most wonderful time of the year” – and it’s not Christmas but spring training! The sports world is giddy with news of Yu Darvish, the most highly sought after pitcher from Japan. The Texas Rangers just happened to sign him for a cool 6 year /$60million deal give or take a few bucks. I would turn Japanese for that.

My first experience with baseball was getting hit in the head by Craig Barnett’s wild fast ball at the Keiser baseball field in junior high. He nearly broke my jaw. I had a goose egg the size of a golf ball on my face. Apparently he thought I was a pretty good catcher, but I was not. Since that infamous day, I have a fear of objects flying toward my head. Sit by me at the ballpark and your odds of catching a foul ball increase dramatically – my head is a homing device. And, you won’t have to fight me for the ball – I’ll be the one in the duck and cover position – just simply catch it when it bounces off my head. Or, preferably before it hits me. That would be very much appreciated.
While I’m more of a football and basketball kind of girl, I did grow up listening to Cardinal games on the radio. It was part of the magical summer soundtrack always playing in the background while Daddy grilled ribs every weekend. I never made it to an actual game in St. Louis, but spending a nice spring day at The Ballpark in Arlington is pretty fun – although the window of nice days in Dallas is very narrow. Around June, everyone and everything outside begins to melt like soft serve ice cream. Choose your games wisely. 
Yu Darvish is in for a bit of culture shock, but nothing an eight figure salary won’t help alleviate. In 1983, I attended summer school in Japan with a group of U.S. college students. We toured Japanese businesses and attended seminars by day – planning to be future international business leaders. We sang karaoke and drank Kirin beer by night – reverting to our proud redneck roots. We ditched the itinerary and hid out at sumo matches and baseball games, when we grew tired of shrine touring.
Yokohama Stadium
Kynlon-san & Talya-san
Yokohama Whalers v. Tokyo Swallows
The Japanese baseball game was a bit different. The rules were the same I suppose, but the fans were very, very quiet. And polite. It was like a respectful church service. And if a foul ball soared into the stadium seats (by my head) the fan who ended up with it always tossed it right back onto the field. There was no mad scramble for the ball by crazed grown men. No one fell from the upper deck trying to catch the ball. No finders keepers in Japanese baseball. But the biggest difference was the ballpark food. They sold bento boxes filled with rice, octopus and pickled vegetables. And people sat around us eating noodles with chop sticks. Huge vats of pickled boiled eggs were sold at the concession where dill pickles should have been. This is what I remember most. NOT your typical ballpark nachos. Not a peanut to be had. And, sadly, there was no Dot Game!!!
Yes Coke Yes!
Will the food at the Ballpark in Arlington be tweaked to make Yu, the Japanese media and his fans feel more at home? Perhaps delicious yakitori roasting beside the sausage on a stick would go over well? I don’t think chop sticks would be allowed – very weapon like in this day of heightened security. But dollar sushi night could be a big hit. And Kirin Beer – yes please! 
Texas Rangers Ichiban!

 本当にありがとう

talya

Musical Pairings:


The Vapors, “Turning Japanese”
John Fogerty, “Centerfield”

Skinny Ass Jeans

February 25, 2012 By Talya Tate Boerner

I heard a bit of excellent news this week on ABC. In case you missed it, skinny jeans are bad for your health. Ok so how many millions of dollars did we non-skinny-jean-wearing-taxpayers dole out for this brilliant government study? I could have reported on skinny jean hazards for but a tiny fraction of the cost. According to Consumer Reports, skinny jeans can cause digestive and nerve problems, yeast infections, fertility issues and possibly blood clots. I’ll add to that list for free – what about other very real problems such as plunging into deep dark depression from being unable to get one fat thigh into them? Or the serious life trauma of lying on your bed, trying to squeeze into a pair of vintage slim cut jeans and getting a hanger stuck in the zipper? Or the real physical injury of catching your flabby underbelly skin in the zipper? Or, the permanently wounded self-esteem of finally squashing yourself in, but seeing the majority of your lower half overflow like a well stuffed Chipotle burrito. And then suspecting you cracked a rib in the process. 
The Gap sells an ‘Always Skinny Lightweight Low-Rise Skimmer Stretch Jean”. Its advertised as extra skinny through the hip and thigh with a skinny leg opening. It comes in size 20. Is this not oxymoronic?

Skinny jeans really only work on the very young ultra thin naturally anoxeric waif types who have not sprouted the hips necessary to birth 8+ pound babies.

When I could
wear skinny jeans
(My Jan Brady years)

I do most of my shopping in Kelsey’s closet. She moved to Washington DC, leaving behind all sorts of cool treasures from her college life that she either has no room for or doesn’t want for whatever reason. Maybe the clothes aren’t skinny enough? In addition to clothes, it’s like having a mini-CVS in the house. Sometimes I run in there to look for nail polish remover or body lotion when I’m fresh out. I scored a Michael Kors purse and cute pair of skinny jeans a while back. Once in a blue moon in the early morning hours, I can actually wear these skinny jeans, but by nightfall I must resort to lamaze breathing to make it through my pizza. Pizza and skinny jeans do not pair well together.
fyVMtP8A.jpg Sooner or later we will all be wearing bell bottoms and sporting big-haired perms again. Skinny jeans will be an ugly, uncomfortable thing from the past like shoulder pads. And I don’t need Dr. Oz to tell me this.
Oh, by the way, stiletto heels are bad for the feet as well. 

talya

Musical Pairings:
Queen, “Fat Bottomed Girls”
Joe Nichols, “The Shape I’m In”

Don’t Mess with Texas

February 24, 2012 By Talya Tate Boerner

Punxsutawney Phil may be all super important and reliable up North, but clearly, his power does not extend to Dallas. It’s high time we had our own prairie dog or badger. We need a critter more in touch with Texas extreme temperatures. With 80 degree temperatures this week, its Easter-like. I’ve resigned myself that we have been totally gypped out of even one bowl of yummy snow cream this winter. I may go ahead and break out the spring wreath, but I hate to jinx it.  

Lucy and Annabelle have been taking me on extra long walks this week. On Wednesday it was even warm enough for a short sleeve Dallas Mavericks t-shirt (of which I have a large collection), even at 8 a.m. We strolled along the neighborhood, with the dogs straining on their leashes, optimistically trying to catch those pesty birds. As a fun bonus, every house in this neighborhood comes with a cat on each wrap around porch, whether wanted or not. They loll about on the sidewalks in front of their respective homes, stretching and cleaning themselves, just teasing and taunting two little Schnauzers. Overhead the trees are already budding out. Those elusive squirrels who live high above seem to realize they have stored way too much inventory this season as pecans coincidentally fall near us like heat seeking missiles as we walk. There is no sign of winter hidden anywhere in the neighborhood. We did, although, get a double dose last year, so it evens out I suppose. In the distance I heard the unmistakeable screech of brakes – that terrible sound signaling someone ran a stop sign and then slammed on the brakes mid-intersection with their arm no doubt extended across the passenger’s side, whether or not there is a passenger or a phantom bag of groceries in that seat. I waited for the crash but thankfully, there was not one.


John was rear-ended last week sitting at a red light on Live Oak in our neighborhood. He was on his way to an early morning dentist appointment before work. I’m sure in his mind he was already at work when the driver smashed into his bumper, jolting him back to reality. Fortunately, the driver produced insurance information and provided his name. In East Dallas, this is a favorable sign. A few days later, of course, John was informed by our insurance agent that this person does not exist, there is no such insurance and all the information provided was fraudulent. According to the Dallas Morning News, of the 17 million licensed drivers in Dallas, 25% are uninsured, making our roads extra-hazardous. And I’m certain 50% of the 25% pass through our neighborhood daily on the way to the border. It’s more than slightly annoying. 

As we continued walking, I thought about doing some yard work later in the afternoon or maybe taking Lucy and Annabelle to the dog park… Just as we turned the corner, making our way back home,  Annabelle spied something nestled in the thick grass between the sidewalk and the street. She stopped in her tracks like a Pointer with her nose down hot on the trail of something. Her friend Dora must have taught her this trick… The item that caught her eye was partially hidden but glistening in the overgrown grass – almost sparkling. I bent down to see it more closely. Oh very nice. It was a condom. Obviously used and totally disgusting. Fortunately, I quickly identified it before Annabelle could claim it for herself, smuggle it home and hide it behind the sofa pillow for John to discover later. Lucy once hid an entire package of frozen corn behind the pillow on the love seat….That was interesting, but finding a nasty used condom one night while lying on the couch watching Modern Family might be a bit too interesting. We aren’t that modern.

Nastiness! On such a glorious Ash Wednesday. 

Who is having car sex in our neighborhood and being a litterbug at the same time? Now, I have nothing against a little something-something wherever/whenever, and kudos for wearing a raincoat, but I hate litterbugs. Maybe that non-existent person who smashed into John’s car was distracted because he had just had vehicular sex on the way to work, tossing the evidence out the window in our neighborhood. That could just be distracting enough to run a red light. On the bright side, at least someone in the hood was practicing safe sex which could potentially keep one future uninsured motorist off the Dallas streets in 16 years. But please, in the spirit of the boy scouts, leave no trace.


talya


Musical Pairings:


Eagles, “Victim of Love”
Bruce Springsteen, “Pink Cadillac”


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Hi! I'm Talya Tate Boerner. Writer, Reader, Arkansas Master Naturalist / Master Gardener, Author of

THE ACCIDENTAL SALVATION OF GRACIE LEE (2016)

GENE, EVERYWHERE: a life-changing visit from my father-in-law (2020)

BERNICE RUNS AWAY (2022)

THE THIRD ACT OF THEO GRUENE (coming 2025)

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  • Sunday Letter: 03.29.26
  • Sunday Letter: February 22, 2026
  • Our Garden Mission Statement
  • Goodbye, 2025. Hello, 2026.
  • Sunday Letter: 11.23.25

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