Archives for 2012

Cell Phone Mad Science

March 8, 2012 By Talya Tate Boerner

Why do loan documents have to be printed in super gigantic mickey mouse fonts with rescindable language and simple simon sentences, such as YOU MUST REPAY THIS DEBT and THE VALUE OF YOUR HOUSE MAY DECLINE, but cell phone companies can apparently do whatever they please, hiding fees and charges and embedding undisclosed codes within mystery plans that not even a nuclear rocket scientist could interpret, much less the average homeowner who makes payments on a home he can’t afford. It is maddening.

Shouldn’t Dodd Frank be all up in this monkey business? Where are the consumer advocates? Oh yes, the government researches driving and texting, which is terrible, as well as cell phone radiation, but what about consumer billing protection and tricky cell phone lingo? I dare say no one can understand a cell phone statement.

John and I had an hour+ long conference call yesterday afternoon with Stacey from AT&T, trying to add John to my plan. Of course an additional line is advertised for a mere $9.99. But it seems my current super special plan is so secret that it’s no longer available; therefore, we were forced to change our entire plan.

Stacey was a yacker. She explained all sorts of plans until my head was spinning. I tried to get my arms around the difference between anytime, nighttime, and weekend minutes. Would I would be roaming at nighttime or anytime at all? Did we need FamilyMap for $9.99/month to locate up to 2 family members? What was this tracking devise, like a skip trace? I know some people who probably need this feature… There was pay as you go, prepay, and push to talk…? No thanks, we will just keep our current pay out the butt plan. Stacey could be an auctioneer.

Once we agreed on something – I have no idea what but our decision was recorded for security purposes – she was required to run my credit report. Why!? Doesn’t my perfect payment history warrant adding John to the account for $9.99 without a credit check? John is the only person working in our household. They should be tracking him down and begging to add him to the plan. I needed to pop in my night guard – I caught myself grinding and clenching my teeth.

While I was sequestered on this call, I made the bed, loaded and started the dishwasher and stuffed and basted a chicken for dinner. The chicken was smelling mighty delicious by the time Stacey recapped our entire plan for quality control reasons. My last root canal was less painful, and I received hydrocodone as a parting gift. This call resulted in a shiny new mystery cell plan, 4,000 free rollover minutes and a dull headache.

I pray Stacey got all the complicated cell plan changes input before the massive solar flares began threatening world wide electronic systems today. My Facebook sure has been slow this morning.

talya

Musical Pairings:

Blondie, “Call Me”

Jimmy Buffet, “If the Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me”

Sushi and the Dreaded Freshman 15?

March 7, 2012 By Talya Tate Boerner

Everyone should be fortunate enough to experience dorm living. It’s a invaluable rite of passage into college life and adulthood during an important time of personal growth. You learn about yourself sharing 250 square feet with a total stranger, who may or may not be crazy. And you’ll make lifelong friends. Ok so far this is sounding very Dr. Seuss-ish, “and will you succeed, yes you will indeed, 98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed…” But it’s true.

I spent my first college semester at Arkansas State, when they were the politically incorrect Indians. Now the mascot has been changed to Red Wolves, which I choose to ignore. Why are people so sensitive? My roommate and I had a great time at ASU, going to football games and parties and sharing clothes. We made many, many late night Taco Bell runs for tostadas. We were absolutely addicted to tostadas.

At mid-term, I transferred to Baylor knowing only two people, my boyfriend and his brother. I had no girlfriends, and no late night Taco Bell runs, so it was an adjustment. My first roomie was a wacky sorority beee-atch named Candy from San Antonio. She hated me right out of the gate because a) she had been trying to move one of her big haired, tanned sorority sisters into her room, and b) she thought all people from Arkansas were as dumb as root vegetables. Each afternoon she whipped up some knockoff version of lemon icebox pie in our tiny dorm room, stirring it with her finger, as she had no utensils. She proudly gave these pies to all the unsuspecting little pledges. I may have been a small-town country chick from Arkansas, but I knew how to use forks and spoons, I knew about germs and food poisoning, and I knew how to make a real lemon icebox pie -with freshly squeezed lemons, not that fake stuff in the green bottle. I also knew right then and there, as she stirred that pie filling with her unpolished finger, that I would never belong in a sorority. Candy and I parted ways soon enough, and I went on to make great friends who used eating utensils, for the most part.

Dorm living has changed a bit since the early 1980s. As we moved Kelsey into her dorm room at the enormous University of Texas, where dorms actually have individual zip codes, we noted all the girls had hot pink matching bedding and carpets and beaded curtains with adorable matchy-matchy everything and storage bins and shoe racks from The Container Store. Each girl room was instantaneously transformed from cinder block to barbie dream house. The guys wheeled in 42-inch flat screen LCD Sonys, Playstation gaming systems and huge Alienware desktop computers with boxes full of cords. Each boy room was expensively transformed into Best Buy. Did they attend class via Wii? At Baylor, our electronics were limited to the console television in the common room where we all gathered each afternoon at 2:00 without fail to watch General Hospital. Luke and Laura were hooking up. There was no campus food court. In Kelsey’s dorm, there was a sushi bar downstairs. The sushi-dorm room combo is just inherently wrong. Everyone knows freshmen eat pizza.

Now Tate is a freshman at the University of Arkansas living at Maple Hill South. It’s relatively new and very nice per dorm room guidelines. He moved in with his graduation gift flatscreen, huge computer, suitcase of clothes and 3 pairs of shoes. Within one weeks’ time, he decided all Texas students were grouped together at Maple Hill. Is this true? Are the Texas students segregated? Maybe Arkansas folks think Texas people are snooty, like Candy thought I had no shoes and dated my cousins?

Maple Hill South
UofA
Elevator Sign

We visited Tate last weekend. His dorm room wasn’t as messy as I expected. There were four Glade Air Fresheners in that tiny space, so it didn’t stink. There were a couple of interesting signs posted in the common area, the first beside the elevator – “do not push elevator buttons with you feet or spit in the elevator.” Really? But the buttons are shoulder height. Tate clarified, “Yeah, people are always pushing the buttons with their feet.” And spitting in the elevator? Who does this? Texan Razorbacks apparently.

UofA Pet Policy

And evidently someone smuggled in their pet piranha along with their XBox one year? Or a squirrel? Or a pet mallard duck? Of course it is Arkansas. Pig Soooie!

talya

Musical Pairings:
Green Day, “Time of Your Life”

Otter: Flounder, I am appointing you pledge representative to the social committee.
Flounder: Gee Otter, thanks. What do I have to do?
Otter: It means you have to drive us to the Food King.

(Animal House)

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…”

(Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You’ll Go!)

My Hunger Games

March 6, 2012 By Talya Tate Boerner

Am I the only person who hasn’t read The Hunger Games? I am so out of the loop on this book. The movie, opening this month, stars Jennifer Lawrence who was fantastic in Winter’s Bone – a great movie even though it hit a bit too close to home… I don’t know much about the storyline or the plot, but The Hunger Games is first in a series which peaks my interest. Who doesn’t love a good series? I so miss Harry Potter and Hagrid and Professor Dumbledore. Don’t you wonder what the Weasleys have been doing with themselves?

Based on the tiny bit I’ve heard about the book, it reminds me of Shirley Jackson’s short story “The Lottery”, which I read in Mrs. Ashley’s 7th grade English class. Mrs. Ashley was one of those life-changing teachers, introducing me to exciting new authors and clearly explaining the difference between to, too and two. Reading the short story, the class was fascinated to discover the twists and turns of the tale. The villagers offered up a human sacrifice each June to ensure a bountiful harvest. It was an annual event, a civic duty, like voting! Hmmmm, the setting was a small farm village, just like Keiser… The unfortunate ‘winner’, chosen at random by a crude lottery, was stoned to death by friends and family. Even the kids made a game of choosing the largest stones – stones they could barely lift. It was riveting in a horrifying sort of way. It made an impression on junior high students who thrived on scary movies, and the parallels were eerie. Could this ever happen in our bucolic farming community… The farmers would probably cut off an arm for a good crop. Mrs. Ashley assured us that would never happen, but I wasn’t so sure. I knew a lot of interesting farmers. I lived with one.

Even the final storyline in Dark Shadows – scariest soap opera ever (which I realize is redundant) – was based on “The Lottery”. That’s how creepy it was. Will a lottery be celebrated in The Hunger Games? And I’m guessing the protagonists are hungry? Perhaps there is no food in their world? Or they must compete for food? A bit of a reality-show-fight-to-the-death-game? Lord knows we all apparently LOVE reality television shows. Like The Biggest Loser where the starved contestants are forced to survive on air, water and nasty sugar free gum. Is Jillian in this book? She annoys me.

I’m dedicating this week to my own hunger game. After eating our way through Fayetteville last weekend with slabs of delicious ribs at Herman’s and yummy gooey pizza at Geraldi’s, I have declared a one week detox game. Rules of the game: eat only veggies, fruit, beans, rice and drink green tea and water. No wine at least until Friday night’s porch party. Last night’s dinner consisted of a basic green cheese-less salad with roasted okra and brown rice. It was a nice change, although my stomach is growling in protest as I type.

I bought a copy of The Hunger Games at Target yesterday morning along with celery and lettuce. I’m excited to read it. If its half as good as any of the Harry Potter books, I’ll be thrilled. I’m optimistic it will at least keep my wandering mind off my hunger pains. Let the games begin!

talya

Musical Pairings:

John Lennon, “Mind Games”
Duran Duran, “Hungry like the Wolf”

“Be a good sport, Tessie….we all took the same chance.” (The Lottery)

“At last darkness has come…I might have loved you, I might have spared you, but now you must die.” Barnabas Collins, Dark Shadows