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Where in the World is Barbara Tate?

April 12, 2012 By Talya Tate Boerner 15 Comments

My mother has a love-hate relationship with the navigation system in her candy apple red Cadillac. When she bought the car, she attended 2 training sessions at the dealership to learn to use the fancy features. She may need to register for an entire semester. In her defense, the programming choices are completely nonsensical. Nothing about the system is intuitive.
Each time we drive anywhere unfamiliar, we play the navigation system game, first sitting in her car attempting to program the silly thing. After at least twenty minutes which must be estimated into the overall travel time, we head out. Hope always springs eternal. We are guided by the sultry voiced navigation woman, which Momma named Veronica, who immediately tells us to take the first right and make a u-turn. How can we be lost already? We are still in my neighborhood! Veronica always tries to make us drive north, and she is very big on u-turns. Is she trying to take us back to Arkansas? Maybe she thinks we always need to start at home base before heading somewhere new? Veronica has an evil mind of her own. I prefer to call her Christine. 
A few months ago, I drove my mother to her cousin’s ranch near Italy (Texas). In her wicked voice, Veronica focused on u-turns the entire trip. To make the drive even more insane, Momma is convinced Veronica will not work without the radio playing. VeronicaDoesn’tWorkAnyway… She drones on and on providing erroneous directions, speaking concurrently with the satellite radio which is always set to the Elvis station. “Exit at the next right and make a u-turn,” purrs Veronica as Elvis croons In the Ghetto. It’s enough to make you drink and drive and pee your pants.
one of our many trips to the ranch in Italy

Once I am completely unhinged, I whip out my iPhone to navigate, which I should have done in my driveway before leaving. And at the same time, Momma calls her best friends at OnStar for help. She loves loves loves to call her OnStar peeps. I’m pretty sure when I’m not around, she calls them just to chit-chat and check the weather conditions.

“Is it you again, Ms. Tate?” This is how the OnStar people greet my mother now. They have all become buddies – probably Facebook friends. They have directed her all over the country as well as just across Dallas. She definitely gets her money’s worth with OnStar which is good, because Veronica certainly doesn’t earn her keep. 
Yesterday, Momma was frustrated as she couldn’t remember how to post a picture on Facebook. I tried to text instructions to her.  No go. I called and attempted to walk her through it. At last she told me she thought she had figured it out, so we hung up. I really think she was just tired of talking to me about it. Later I saw the picture successfully posted on Facebook. Yay! I bet she called her friends at OnStar to help her. 

talya

Musical Pairings:

Sting, “Message in a Bottle”
The Clash, “Brand New Cadillac”

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: BAT, Elvis

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Comments

  1. Anonymous says

    April 12, 2012 at 6:38 am

    This was a great one. I have laughed til my make-up is running down my face. I didn’t tell you but Veronica got me lost on my way home last time—BETWEEN MARKED TREE & LEPANTO. On my way back, she stole my badge. I don’t know how I ever traveled without Veronica and OnStar. You and Staci can have my keys anytime you want to start driving me everywhere. I am thinking about driving to Alabama soon……. Talya’s Mom (theBAT)

    Reply
  2. Anonymous says

    April 12, 2012 at 6:41 am

    I really do need to go back to Cadillac College a few more days.

    Reply
  3. Anonymous says

    April 12, 2012 at 6:45 am

    One of Veronica’s favorite lines is: “You are off the designated route.” I was going to the post office in Osceola when she told me this. I think she is messing with my mind. Guess Who

    Reply
  4. kathy H says

    April 12, 2012 at 7:22 am

    LOL … at post AND comments!

    Reply
  5. Kaa says

    April 12, 2012 at 10:38 am

    I’m laughing so hard at work, right now, trying not to make a spectacle of myself.

    I’ve heard these OnStar stories from my mother. I’d like to hide a camera in the car when they’re in there together trying to navigate.

    Talya, you have to talk about TheBAT and drive-through windows at some point. But warn me so I can read it at home rather than further convince these people at work that I’m an insane person.

    Reply
    • Grace Grits Garden says

      April 16, 2012 at 11:53 am

      Yes the drive thru debacle is on my list!

      Reply
  6. Colene says

    April 12, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    The blog is great and the comments are great too, just like you said. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Reply
    • Grace Grits Garden says

      April 16, 2012 at 11:55 am

      Thanks Colene!

      Reply
  7. Anonymous says

    April 19, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    ha ha ,,,I have made several trips to Arkansas with my cousin Barbara Gail,,,it is a miracle that we ever make it home,,,one time we stopped at Kroger just out of LIttle Rock,came out and the red cadillac was covered in ice…we had to get a motel,,,and sneak the cat in….(that is another story),,and yes we have had some great times at the Ranch…love this story ,,,I cannot say enough about Barbara,,loving,kind,smart,beautiful,witty,caring,always the life of the party…she is a party….go girl,,,

    Reply
  8. Anonymous says

    January 8, 2013 at 9:31 am

    This was just as funny the second time around. I had a little trouble finding this one; I thought I was going to have to call On Star or, as a last resort, Veronica. B

    Reply
    • Talya Tate Boerner says

      January 8, 2013 at 10:05 am

      haha!

      Reply
  9. Anonymous says

    March 20, 2013 at 9:27 am

    You can always call OnStar. They always know where I am. theBAT

    Reply
  10. June Graham says

    January 13, 2016 at 9:23 am

    Love it—- the story is “so Barbara”!!!!

    Reply
    • Talya Tate Boerner says

      January 14, 2016 at 9:21 am

      Yes it is!

      Reply
  11. Edwina says

    January 13, 2016 at 11:03 am

    That’s my friend Barbara. We have had some fun times for sure…,

    Reply

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Talya Tate Boerner


Hi! I'm Talya. Writer, Reader, Arkansas Master Naturalist / Master Gardener, Author of

THE ACCIDENTAL SALVATION OF GRACIE LEE (2016)

GENE, EVERYWHERE: a life-changing visit from my father-in-law (2020)

BERNICE RUNS AWAY (Now Available!)

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