My mother has a love-hate relationship with the navigation system in her candy apple red Cadillac. When she bought the car, she attended 2 training sessions at the dealership to learn to use the fancy features. She may need to register for an entire semester. In her defense, the programming choices are completely nonsensical. Nothing about the system is intuitive.
Each time we drive anywhere unfamiliar, we play the navigation system game, first sitting in her car attempting to program the silly thing. After at least twenty minutes which must be estimated into the overall travel time, we head out. Hope always springs eternal. We are guided by the sultry voiced navigation woman, which Momma named Veronica, who immediately tells us to take the first right and make a u-turn. How can we be lost already? We are still in my neighborhood! Veronica always tries to make us drive north, and she is very big on u-turns. Is she trying to take us back to Arkansas? Maybe she thinks we always need to start at home base before heading somewhere new? Veronica has an evil mind of her own. I prefer to call her Christine.
A few months ago, I drove my mother to her cousin’s ranch near Italy (Texas). In her wicked voice, Veronica focused on u-turns the entire trip. To make the drive even more insane, Momma is convinced Veronica will not work without the radio playing. VeronicaDoesn’tWorkAnyway… She drones on and on providing erroneous directions, speaking concurrently with the satellite radio which is always set to the Elvis station. “Exit at the next right and make a u-turn,” purrs Veronica as Elvis croons In the Ghetto. It’s enough to make you drink and drive and pee your pants.
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| one of our many trips to the ranch in Italy |
Once I am completely unhinged, I whip out my iPhone to navigate, which I should have done in my driveway before leaving. And at the same time, Momma calls her best friends at OnStar for help. She loves loves loves to call her OnStar peeps. I’m pretty sure when I’m not around, she calls them just to chit-chat and check the weather conditions.
“Is it you again, Ms. Tate?” This is how the OnStar people greet my mother now. They have all become buddies – probably Facebook friends. They have directed her all over the country as well as just across Dallas. She definitely gets her money’s worth with OnStar which is good, because Veronica certainly doesn’t earn her keep.
Yesterday, Momma was frustrated as she couldn’t remember how to post a picture on Facebook. I tried to text instructions to her. No go. I called and attempted to walk her through it. At last she told me she thought she had figured it out, so we hung up. I really think she was just tired of talking to me about it. Later I saw the picture successfully posted on Facebook. Yay! I bet she called her friends at OnStar to help her.
talya
Musical Pairings:
Sting, “Message in a Bottle”
The Clash, “Brand New Cadillac”
This was a great one. I have laughed til my make-up is running down my face. I didn’t tell you but Veronica got me lost on my way home last time—BETWEEN MARKED TREE & LEPANTO. On my way back, she stole my badge. I don’t know how I ever traveled without Veronica and OnStar. You and Staci can have my keys anytime you want to start driving me everywhere. I am thinking about driving to Alabama soon……. Talya’s Mom (theBAT)
I really do need to go back to Cadillac College a few more days.
One of Veronica’s favorite lines is: “You are off the designated route.” I was going to the post office in Osceola when she told me this. I think she is messing with my mind. Guess Who
LOL … at post AND comments!
I’m laughing so hard at work, right now, trying not to make a spectacle of myself.
I’ve heard these OnStar stories from my mother. I’d like to hide a camera in the car when they’re in there together trying to navigate.
Talya, you have to talk about TheBAT and drive-through windows at some point. But warn me so I can read it at home rather than further convince these people at work that I’m an insane person.
Yes the drive thru debacle is on my list!
The blog is great and the comments are great too, just like you said. 🙂
Thanks Colene!
ha ha ,,,I have made several trips to Arkansas with my cousin Barbara Gail,,,it is a miracle that we ever make it home,,,one time we stopped at Kroger just out of LIttle Rock,came out and the red cadillac was covered in ice…we had to get a motel,,,and sneak the cat in….(that is another story),,and yes we have had some great times at the Ranch…love this story ,,,I cannot say enough about Barbara,,loving,kind,smart,beautiful,witty,caring,always the life of the party…she is a party….go girl,,,
This was just as funny the second time around. I had a little trouble finding this one; I thought I was going to have to call On Star or, as a last resort, Veronica. B
haha!
You can always call OnStar. They always know where I am. theBAT
Love it—- the story is “so Barbara”!!!!
Yes it is!
That’s my friend Barbara. We have had some fun times for sure…,